Let’s Talk About Death-It Won’t Kill You

A (not so) simple question…

I recently received a beautifully crafted email from a well-known blogger and influencer. (She hates that term, by the way).  She asked me a seemingly simple question, “What is your why?”  Meaning, what is motivating me to create a better life for myself?  For this fabulous woman the answer is her daughter.  She goes on to explain that she created a business that allowed her to stay at home by building brand and creating a community of female entrepreneurs through coaching.  When I took some time to think about the question, it turns out that my answer is not as simple as I first anticipated. Why do I want do help others talk about death?

What is my WHY? Why do I want to talk about death?

Why did I decide to start on the exciting (read: terrifying) journey of starting my own organizing and end of life planning business?  Well, in part, because I have two young children that I need to support with the help of my husband.  It’s also partly because I have an aging parent currently in remission from two types of cancer.  He has kidney failure and often needs me in unexpected ways.  Okay, so that’s like, a big reason but it goes deeper.  Deeper and sadder.  And, if you’ll just trust in me a wee bit, I promise to take you through this as lightly as possible.  We’ll see the other side together and my why will be as plain as the nose on your face.  I’m not saying that your nose is plain, just that my reason will become clearly understood.  You have a great nose, I love it.

A Helluva Year

2019 was a hell of a year.  The single most difficult spin around the sun that I’ve yet to experience.  (2020 is coming in hot as a close second.) It began in January with the shocking death of my best friend’s father.  A man I loved.  On the evening of his death, as we sat grieving together on her living room couch, she received a phone call from the Medical Examiner; they wanted to know about organ and tissue donation.  Was he a donor?  Could they take bone grafts?  What about his eyes?

If I could go back, I would do just about anything to take away the pain I saw in my friend’s eyes as she answered the questions with tears running down her face.  You see, her father didn’t have a Will, a Power of Attorney or a Personal Directive.  He didn’t leave any instructions regarding his end of life wishes.

There HAS to be a Better Way

Later, she would explain to me that it was actually the second phone call from the Medical Examiner. She received the first one while her father still lay at her feet after attempts to revive him had failed.  That shook me.  I was shooketh.  I thought, there has to be a better way.  There must be an easier way for a grieving family to handle these type of questions in the midst of their heartbreak.  In a cruel twist of fate I got to put my “better way” theory to the test when, in February, my beloved mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer. It had metastasized throughout most of her body.

There IS a Better Way

Upon the terminal diagnosis, I was privileged to sit down with my mother and immediate family members to come up with a death plan. It included ensuring that her Will and Power of Attorney were up to date and that the decision makers were aware of their responsibilities.  The plan also included reviewing her Personal Directive and discussing her medical wishes. Should she be unable to communicate, her Medical Delegate would be responsible for following through with her clear instructions. 

It’s time to talk about death

Everything from body disposition, to household finances to the hymns requested for Mom’s funeral service were openly discussed.  While it didn’t make losing my mother any easier, the plan did provide guidance and peace of mind knowing that the decisions made were those of my mother’s. Her personal wishes were being met at a very difficult time for those left to mourn.

The Better Way isn’t EASY

My why is this, I never want anyone to have to go through what I watched my soul sister experience.  That additional burden of making intimate and difficult decisions for a loved one when they die or are in the dying process isn’t necessary.  There is little comfort after someone you love dies, whether it is expected or not.  However, if some simple, advanced planning helped me cope with the illness and death of my mother then I know it can help others. Be courageous, talk about death before it’s too late.

Conversations are KEY!

We really need to be having these discussions, as difficult as they may be, they are so important. As an Organizer and Advance Planner, I can help sort out what paperwork and conversations you need to have NOW.  And, assist with creating a departure file so you are good to go.  Really, let’s put it all out on the table and approach it with practicality.  And, maybe a little humour?

One more WHY?

I DO have one more why.  Sadly, I can answer it easily.  To honour my mother.  She lived her life in loving service to others.  I love you, Mom.  Thank you for being so brave and open when facing your death, for having the hard conversations and going with absolute grace.

There, we made it.  Thank you for allowing me to lead you through my landmine of personal experience. It’s time to have honest discussions about your end of life wishes. It’s time to talk about death, I can help. 

“It is nothing to die. It is frightful not to live.” Victor Hugo

Yours in All Things Sorted,
Kelly

Let’s sort it out, together. Here are some Canadian resources to help start the conversations.

Dying With Dignity Canada: https://www.dyingwithdignity.ca/

Kids Grief: http://kidsgrief.ca

Preparing for Death: https://novascotia.ca/dhw/publications/Preparing-for-an-Expected-Death-at-Home-brochure.pdf