8 Strategies to Provide Grief Support During Covid 19

A new grief support reality

I have a friend who is driving her father to the hospital for daily cancer treatments. These treatments are only buying him time and possibly quality of life as his diagnosis is progressive and terminal. Experiencing a precarious health condition in the midst of a worldwide Covid 19 pandemic is anxiety-inducing, as if the illness wasn’t bad enough. How can I help provide grief support for my friend during this time?

I think back to my mother’s unexpected diagnosis of Stage 4 ovarian cancer. In 2019 she began chemotherapy in March. By April she was gone. Losing her was devastating enough but I can only imagine what grieving families are going through right now. I have vocalized with odd shame that I’m relieved Mom isn’t here, that she’s not experiencing aggressive cancer treatments in addition to the threat of a deadly virus.

A different grief support experience…

You see, I had the support of my family and friends. They bore me through the early days of mourning. Quite literally, they held me and braced my body as it was wracked with storms of sorrow and waves of emotional pain.

My family and I were nourished for months with casseroles, homemade bread and other dishes from generous neighbours and friends. It’s what we do as Nova Scotians. We gather. We hold and console. And, we attempt to make the best damned mac & cheese or fish chowder on the table. It’s our language of love. With the onset of Covid 19, that language has changed.

Covid 19 has changed how we provide grief support

Suddenly, grieving families find themselves without arms to enfold or hands to hold. No outlet is available for others to help say goodbye. We are unable to help celebrate the life of an ill or deceased loved one. Visitations and funeral services fall by the wayside, limited to 5 people only. There’s nary a goulash or hodge podge to be found.

And so, the way we traditionally reach out to provide grief support also has to change. But how? What can we do to support our friends and families when we must be socially distanced?

Whether we’re grieving the death of a loved one lost to disease or, are reeling in the collective shock of horrific events in our beautiful province, how can we show our love and concern to those left behind? How can we adapt our communication virtually and otherwise and still express ourselves authentically?

The Power of Words

I believe that words can help us make connections while we are apart. While I miss the way a good hug can instantly lift my mood, more so I miss being able to hug friends I know are feeling especially raw and vulnerable. Which is pretty much everyone right now.

However, human touch is not the only way we can build connection. I see hundreds of online examples every day following a death or a tragic event. Messages of love, songs, crafted tributes and even recipes are shared in an effort to provide comfort to the grieving. I have personally benefitted from simple, thoughtful texts or social media messages that felt like I was being wrapped in a hug.

Based on those experiences, here are 8 suggestions for types of messages we can send each other or actions we can take to offer grief support even if we are apart.

8 Strategies to Provide Grief Support during Covid 19

1. A Good Old Fashioned Phone Call-If you can get over the fear of “not knowing what to say”, sometimes there are no words of comfort but the griever is simply waiting for a sympathetic ear and a familiar voice.

2. Card in the Mail-Personally, I love getting non bill-related mail. A thoughtful card, either purchased or homemade lets us know that someone thinks of you highly enough to purchase a stamp and Google your postal code.

3. Specific Offers of Help-Omg, this. Yes, this. While many of us feel helpless and offer up the standard, “If there’s anything I can do…”, taking the bull by the horns to undertake a specific task at an overwhelming time can be very much appreciated. Whether it’s walking the dog or picking up another box of wine (Let’s be honest), small things that reduce the pressure on the grieving mean a lot.

4. Music-The gift of song has proven exceptionally powerful during times of grief and uncertainty. The Ultimate Online Nova Scotian Kitchen Party (Covid-19 Edition) is a great example of bringing people together. I have a friend who created and shared a Spotify list of Nova Scotian & Canadian artists and songs that reminded her of family, friends and happier times. I can’t think of a more unique way to let someone know what they mean to you.

Check out My Nova Scotia by Terri Fraser on Spotify at: http://open.spotify.com

5. Memories & Photos-Perhaps you found a photo on your phone, one that captures a favourite memory, something special to you. I’m betting that the visual reminder of their loved one will also be cherished by the griever. It may bring a smile to their face or at least remind them that they will smile again one day.

6. Thoughtful Gifts-This one can be a bit tricky with the fear of the virus living on surfaces. However, nothing is stopping you from dropping off some beer and snacks with some Lysol wipes on the doorstep. Include a note stating you wish you could join them, but for now it’s enough to know that you are thinking of them.

7. Gratitude-I don’t know about you but all this time has given me the opportunity to reflect on how very much I value my friendships. A text stating as much is a brilliant way to say “I miss you and we’ll be together when possible.”

8. Legacies in Remembrance-In lieu of flowers, donate to a favourite cause or charity in the name of loved one. Add a new flower or shrub to your garden so you are reminded of them each year. I love saying “Hello” to the green things I planted in memory of friends and family. A Daphne for Steve, yellow roses for Ellen, Rhododendrons for my cats (Hey, we grieve pets too), Lilacs for my Mom…

Staying connected

As we go about our new normal and settle into the unsettling rhythms of a pandemic influenced world, I truly long for the day that we can all be together again. In the meantime, please reach out to someone who is grieving a loved one, is self-isolating, or maybe just missing their regular life. Let our kind words embrace those who need it most.

Yours in All Things Sorted,

Kelly

If you are in crisis, please reach out for help immediately: https://www.mentalhealthns.ca/find-support